100 Themes-53 Keeping A Secret

"Dean... do you ever think about it?"

The voice from the other bed pulled him back from the edge of sleep.  

"Bout what Sammy?"  

Sam hadn't been very chatty since he'd gotten his soul back and that fact had been eating at Dean.  What if something had gone wrong?  Maybe Sam remembered more than he was letting on...

"What life would have been like if... well, you know..." Sam's voice trailed off in the darkness.

"Nope.  What's the point?  It is what it is Sammy.  No going back, no changing it, so why drive yourself crazy over it?  Get some sleep, we're gonna have to hit the road pretty early if we're gonna get to Bobby's place by noon."

"Yeah.. ok.  Night Dean."

He listened as his brother rolled over and settled in for the night.  It wasn't too long before he heard the soft, steady breaths that meant that Sam had drifted off to sleep.  Closing his eyes he tried to follow his own advice but found that sleep wasn't coming quite so easily this time.  

The thing was, he did think about it sometimes.  Ok, to be honest, he thought about it all the time lately.  There used to be a time when a normal life would have meant nothing to him.  He'd been raised in this life.  It was all he had ever known.  Hey, if you never had something, it's pretty hard to miss it but... now he knew what that other life could be.  

He hadn't wanted to see how regular people lived.  Getting up, going to work, coming home, watching tv ,going to bed and starting all over again in the morning.  After chasing demons, killing vamps, shifters, and pretty much any other nightmare out there, what could be more boring?  He had never expected to have to keep that promise to Sam.  They'd always found a way out before so what was one more promise that would mean nothing once they found the answer?

But it hadn't worked out that way had it?  This time there was no last minute miracle (he groaned inwardly at the irony of the phrase).  Before he knew it he had found himself standing outside her house, knocking on her door, wondering if there was anything left in life worth living for.

She'd taken him in with no questions asked.  As much as that fact shocked him, Sam had known that she would.  He'd spent a year forcing away old habits, learning not to jump at every shadow, trying to fit into a world that was as foreign to him as living on another planet would be.  It had taken time to come to terms with the fact that he was alone now.  Dad was gone.  Sam was gone.  There was only this woman and child that, for some reason he couldn't fathom, seemed to want to help fill the void of the family he had lost.

At some point he'd changed.  He'd begun to find peace in the everyday rhythms of life.  He'd learned that teaching Ben how to fix a motor was far more satisfying then ganking some evil son of a bitch.  There were always things to do around the house to keep himself busy and to help him feel useful in their lives.  The comfort he'd found in Lisa's arms turned, slowly, to something more.  Until, one morning, he'd found himself waking up smiling from a dream he'd had of the three of them spending the day at some silly street fair.  

It was then that he'd realized what had happened.  He'd made a new life here, with them, and it shook him to his core to realize that he was happy, truly happy, for the first time in his life.  He'd felt his heart break a little as he'd wondered to himself if this was what Sammy had found with Jess.  But, before that train of thought could drag him back into the darkness, Lisa had stirred beside him, effectively shifting his focus to the warm, welcoming body laying next to him.

Now, laying alone in the darkness of yet another nameless motel room, he felt the silent tears slip free.  He'd had the "what if" life and he'd done what he always did, screwed it up.  He'd known the first time that she'd told him she loved him that it would end badly.  After everything he had done, he didn't deserve that life, didn't deserve to be loved... but he'd grabbed onto it with both hands and closed his eyes to the darkness that he knew followed him.  It always followed him.  

Hunting just isn't a job you retire from.  Once you start you are in it for the long haul.  Forget marriage vows... "till death do us part" was much more apt to describe this lifestyle.  And beyond for that fact... death and beyond... he knew that from experience and, now, so did Sammy.  No, there was no going back, no changing things.  That much had been the truth.  

He held his breath as he heard his brother shift restlessly in his sleep.  He never wanted Sammy to know about this.  Never wanted him to see how badly he hungered for that other life... how, having tasted it, he craved it until it became a physical pain that nothing could relieve.  He knew his brother, probably better than he knew even himself, and if Sam found out... he'd never forgive himself for forcing that other life on him.  He'd never be able to make him understand that the pain was worth it... that having had that brief moment of peace and real happiness was the greatest gift he'd ever been given.

Better to let him believe that what he'd said was the truth.  Push the memories down, try to use them to fill the hole that they had left in his heart.  It was time to close the door on the past and accept that the time for a normal life had passed.  The future belonged to the two of them, alone, carrying on the family legacy, living in the darkness and fighting too keep those who were lucky enough to have that normal life safe.  Having come to that realization he suddenly felt the weight of sleep pulling at him, dragging him down to what he hoped would be a dreamless night.

Alone, in the next bed, Sam listened to his brother's labored breathing slow.  He hated it when Dean was upset, he wanted badly to comfort him in some way but knew that his brother would rather die than know that someone had heard him crying.  Sure that whatever had caused his brother's tears had finally passed he shifted to a more comfortable position and allowed his own heavy eyelids to close.  As he drifted off to sleep he was sure his mind was already speeding ahead to some strange dream or another when he heard his brother murmur softly, "Till death do us part Sammy... till death."